What's a girl to do?

It always irritates me when I think that I have something figured out but then low and behold-plans change and no, I don't have anything figured out.

Before I left work to go on maternity leave I *thought* that I had all of the details of my return worked out with my boss. That's what she led me to believe anyway...even though getting any kind of information out of her is like pulling teeth. Anyway-I already felt iffy about the situation because I work at a small place, and I work part time, so there's no kind of FMLA or anything in place to protect me or my job. But she assured me that everything was cool. Our arrangement was that I would come back at the beginning of July and that I would be working 3 days a week (Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday). So I went ahead and got everything set up with our baby sitter too. I told her Nolan would be starting on July 5th and that he would be going 2 days a week and we would rotate between Tuesday/Wednesday and Wednesday/Thursday every other week.

Today after not hearing from my boss for almost 2 weeks (I emailed her two weeks ago and asked her to call me as soon as she could so we could discuss my return) she emails me and gives me some crap about how busy they are, and says my return date will be July 12th (a week after I was going to come back) and that for the first "few" weeks I will just be working Tuesdays and Thursdays (my old schedule). So first off, if you're SO busy, why don't you want me to come back a week earlier like I'm offering and why wouldn't you need me the 3 days a week we discussed? Now I'm going to have to call my baby sitter and HOPE that she will let me start Nolan a week later than we discussed, and I'll have to tell her that for the first few weeks it's going to be Tuesday and Thursday that Nolan is at daycare and no Wednesdays. And that that's subject to change within a few weeks. This irritates me beyond belief.

What am I supposed to do? She has changed everything. WTF? And I'm totally at her mercy. This is lame.

Being a mom

Exhausting. Rewarding. Scary. Fun.

Those are just a few words that come to mind when I think about the fact that I'm a mom now.

I know what I expected it to be like. It's kind of like that. And it's kind of not. Please-don't get me wrong. Having Nolan is amazing. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I think for having a 3 week old that Ryan and I are doing okay, but it's DEFINITELY exhausting. I've definitely cried a lot-probably because of the hormones and probably because I'm sleep deprived...and very sensitive. I'm pretty much taking it day to day. We have good days where Nolan eats, sleeps and poops on a nice little schedule and Ryan and I can get some sleep and get some stuff done around the house as well.

Then we have days where all he wants to do is eat and NOT sleep and just cry because he wants to be held 24/7. I finally talked to the nurse at our doctor's office yesterday and she told me I could let him cry it out for like 10 minutes. I had read that at this age you really can't spoil them and you should never let them cry for more than 5 minutes. But she said as long as you know that he's fed, changed, and not sick or in pain, it's perfectly fine to put them down and let them cry for up to ten minutes. We started trying this a little bit yesterday and it seemed to work. He slept a lot yesterday. We also had plenty of awake time and had tummy time and all that. We're not monsters...it's not that we don't want to cuddle the crap out of our son-I LOVE cuddling him. But when you can't put him down AT ALL because he starts screaming, you have to do something. You can't sleep/eat/clean/etc. if you have to have a baby attached to you 24/7. We do have a sling and I thought about trying that but honestly-I can't figure out how to use it. It's complicated and my mind is too fuzzy right now to try to figure it out.

So yeah-we're figuring things out. I had a little meltdown last night. We were supposed to have a couple of friends over that just had a baby as well. Their baby is 2 months old now, so they are a little more experienced than we are. Anyway, we were going to have them over to grill out, but they had to cancel because he didn't get off work until late and had to be back at work at 7:30 this morning. Fine. I didn't go to too much trouble, so it's not that big of a deal. But the thing is that these friends are busy ALL THE TIME. They were before they had a baby and I knew it would be even worse after. I had originally asked them to come over tonight (Saturday night) for the cook out, but they have their first date night since the baby has been born, so they already have a sitter and everything. So we planned on Friday night and that fell through. Then I found out that a mutual friend of ours is having a party tonight for this guys birthday! So they are going to dinner and then to this party...and he has to work tomorrow morning too. Whatever. It just makes me upset because EVERY ONE of our friends that have kids also has family near by, so they actually have baby sitters and stuff. Ryan and I don't. At all. We have no one to watch Nolan so that we could go out and do anything. 90% of the time, it's not a big deal. Ryan and I have been going out and about (grocery store, mall, etc.) with Nolan and it's fine. He usually just sleeps. But the other stuff-like EVER being able to go to a restaurant or to a movie or to a party with our friends. We can't do it. Ever. Our friends all can, but we can't-and I don't think they realize it.

I feel like I'm going to lose the few friends I have because I won't ever be able to see them. Oh well, this is what me and Ryan signed up for. We knew this going into it. We knew we didn't have anyone around here to help out. We were okay with that though. We didn't realize that when people say you need a break sometimes, that you really do need a break sometimes.

Well-I hear the little man crying-so I guess that's my cue that I'm done online. Please don't think that I'm not happy to be a mom, I really am. I just really understand now. I really would love a break-and a haircut and pedicure..lol. And a massage. :)