Morning Sickness=not cool

Seriously? It's not "morning" sickness when you basically have it from the time you wake up until about 7:30 every night. In a way, I love that I'm having this very normal pregnancy symptom because it means that things are going just as they should. The unfortunate side effect is that this is effecting every aspect of my life. I've already started resenting my job because of how shitty I feel every day. I'm sorry, but when I spend the entire day feeling exhausted and queasy and wondering if I'm going to throw up or not-the last thing I want to do is schmooze with customers at the store and try to get them to buy shit or open credit cards. Ugh.

All I want to do-all day, every day-is be at home. Because, at home-it's okay if I feel like crap. I can  be in my sweats and lay on the couch and I don't have to worry about talking to anyone or anything. What would have been better even, is trying to find a job where I could sit at a desk all day and just work quietly. That would be preferable to this.

Or maybe the sickness is just an excuse. I don't have the best track record with liking my jobs. I don't  know though-I actually do enjoy this job-I just don't like doing it while I feel like shit. I don't like being on my feet all day and sucking up to people when I feel so terrible. And I miss my weekends. Don't get me wrong-I'm not an idiot. I knew that a retail job came with night and weekend work. But why do I have to work from 1-close EVERY Saturday  night?? That's bullshit. Make someone else work that shift....and then I have to come back and work on Sunday all fucking day. Ugh. And I do get one weekend off maybe once a month...I don't know-it's too soon to tell. Even the weekend I'm supposed to leave for Cleveland, I have to work that Saturday until like 3-so I'm not even gonna get into town until like 10 p.m. There were too many people that had already requested it off before I started. Whatever.

UGH! I always do this shit to myself. Had I known that I would be pregnant now, I probably wouldn't have gotten a job at all until after the baby was born. I'm trying really hard to not be stressed because I really don't need that right now. But I can't help but be a little frustrated. I just really hope this feeling passes. I really hope that when I get to the second tri, I feel like me again. I need my energy back!

Yay for baby!

The update is a little late-but I've been working.

Yesterday was our first ultrasound and it went great!!! The baby is measuring just where it should be (almost 7 weeks) and we got to see AND hear the heartbeat! 148 beats per minute-woohoo!! They estimate the due date at May 13th.

Everything is looking good! The next appointment is October 20th-I'll be like 10 1/2 weeks.

That is the baby there on the right and that little ball looking thing at the bottom is the yolk sac. That is keeping baby all good and full of nutrients and what not until the placenta finishes forming.

Me and Ry couldn't be happier-this is truly a blessing. Grow little bean grow!! Get big and strong-we can't wait to meet you in May!

Today is the day

I'm a little nervous. And I'm a little scared.

Today is my ultrasound. I've felt really good about it up until today and now I'm just scared. I'm trying to be positive-and I have every reason to be. So far, this has gone really well. I have the blood work, sore boobs, and nausea to prove it! But I can't help but be a little bit nervous.

I just want to get there and see a baby (well-it's gonna look more like a little alien at this point) on the screen and see or hear a heartbeat-whichever is supposed to be the norm at this point. I want reassurance. I've been praying everyday for this to go well. Please god let this go well. I'll do anything....just please.

Appointment is at 1 o'clock. I may not be able to update until I get off work tonight. Wish me luck.

Morning Sickness? Yeah right....

I say that because they might as well just call it "all day sickness". This sucks.

It started last Thursday. In the evening-while at work-this overwhelming feeling of nausea came over me. I didn't throw up. I ate some almonds and drank some water and that was that. Over the next few days, it started coming on more intense and more often. I haven't thrown up at all-but feeling like you're going to throw up all day, is no picnic. I can't eat anything. Nothing sounds good. This blows.

And it's effecting my job-which I can't afford right now. I have been there like a month-I definitely can't call in. Yesterday, I felt like shit. I must have looked like shit too because my boss told me I could go home an hour early. Once I got home, I laid in bed the rest of the night. Today I'm off and tomorrow I don't go in until 5....but damn. I have to do something. I can't be sick all day every day. I don't want to complain because having this kind of sickness just means that the pregnancy is going well, and of course, that's all I want. I want this to go well and be a healthy pregnancy that I get a take home baby at the end of. So I feel really bad complaining...but I can't be sick at work. I can't. Thankfully I only work part-time...but still. My job is basically talking to people and being on my feet all day. I need to have energy and feel good-not feel like shit.

I don't know what I can eat-because I HAVE to eat...I can't just not eat. That probably makes it worse. I go to the doctor on Thursday for my first ultrasound, so I'm going to talk to them and see what they say. I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight with  my best friend. She's pregnant too-but she's definitely past this stage. She asked me where I wanted to go to eat. Somewhere that serves saltines and water. Ugh.

Is it just me?

Not that this is something that I need to bother myself with right now, but it has occurred to me that I may never truly be content in a job. Unless I can work from home and like, be on the computer. That's really the only thing I can see me really enjoying.

Don't get me wrong-I could not be happier to be out of the horrible miserable place that I was in before, and I really do enjoy my new job. Granted I took a pay cut-a big one-and granted I have to be on my feet my whole shift. But it's quite stress free honestly.

I think I just need a job where I work from home. Seriously. Because I like being at home. I like sitting on the couch in my jammies and being on the computer. I know that I'm taking the coding and billing classes online-and I did some work on that today actually. I need to finish them up, get my certification, and after this baby comes, get a new job.

Cravings

So tonight, I went to the grocery store because I HAD TO HAVE angel food cake and this:

Yep. Rainbow Chip frosting. It's amazing. And instead of taking the time to make an entire cake, I just bought angel food cake because it's yummy, and it's not overpowering, so it lets the frosting be the star. :)

I've already had a piece. And before I go to bed, I may have another. I don't know if it's too early to have cravings-if so, then the craving was all in my head. But I'm glad that I gave in. Yum. 

I feel bad....

So, I used to hang out on The Bump message boards. I found a very comfortable home on the TTCAL board (trying to conceive after a loss). It was comforting to have a place to go to talk to other women who were going through or have gone through the same thing as me. The women there are very supportive of one another. Since I found out I was pregnant, I stopped going there. I did post that I got a BFP-and it seemed that some people were happy for me, but even though I have been on that board for like a year, I only got like 20 responses. Another girl who has been on the board a little while also posted a BFP the same day. She had 3 times the responses I did...even more than that.

It's not a popularity contest-I know that. But it showed me that maybe they wouldn't miss me if I was gone. I mean, after you get a BFP, they want you to go over to the pregnant after a loss board and start posting there. I lurked over there for a little bit, and I just wasn't feeling it. I don't want to sound like a bitch-or like I'm on my high horse or anything-but on both of those boards, there is so much loss and sadness and heartbreak...I just don't need to put myself in a place like that right now. As much as I think all of those ladies are fabulous and we share a common bond, I need to focus all of my energy on the positive right now. I don't need to sign on and see all the heartbreak on a daily basis. I'm not naive. I know that all stories don't have a happy ending. But I really feel good about this and I NEED my story to have a happy ending this time.

So I think the best thing for me is to not post on those boards anymore. I feel horrible about it. I don't want to be that person. But I can't help it. I need to separate myself from it and think only good thoughts. I mean, at this point, it's still so early. I do feel really good about it, but I can't help but be a little nervous because of how the last two times ended up. I want so badly to start reading my pregnancy books and to start my pregnancy journal, but I'm too scared to. What I want right now is for it to be mid November, so I can be into the 2nd trimester and be a little bit at ease.

Are we grown ups yet?

One of the things I'm enjoying about being pregnant is not being able to drink. Not being able to drink is your ticket out of going to certain events and acting like a damn fool at them. Even before I found out I was pregnant, I hadn't drank more than a glass of wine in a couple months. I'm getting too old for the drama and the bullshit and the feeling like shit the entire next day. Good riddance.

Unfortunately, I still have several friends that are not pregnant. There was a bachelorette party last night. My excuse to get out of it was that I was working til 9:30-which actually ended up being until 10, so that worked out just fine. A couple of my friends know that I'm pregnant, but a lot of people don't know yet, so I didn't want to out myself by going to a party and not drinking.

Anyway....glad I didn't go, for drama ensued. I was in bed-where I should be at 2:30 in the morning, and I got about a million text messages and a phone call from one of my friends. She was balling. No one was talking to her at the bachelorette outing and then they ended up ditching her. My husband is a police officer in the area that she was at, so I text him and sent him over to sit with her until her husband came to get her. I don't know the whole story, but she was pretty upset and even though she had been drinking, I definitely believe what she's saying. Some of the girls that were there are huge bitches and are shitty in general...so I can definitely see them doing something like that.

It's sad and pathetic though. I shouldn't have to get a phone call in the middle of the night from a crying friend telling me that she's been ditched and she's all alone. That's complete bullshit. Some of the girls that were there are actually pregnant, so they were sober and should DEFINITELY know better. I have to go to work for a few hours, but later today, I'm gonna talk to my friend and get the scoop so I know who needs a proper talking to.

In an unrelated note-my boobs hurt so damn bad. LOL....just sayin.

And the results are in.....

As I said the other day, HCG levels on Wednesday were awesome. They said that today they should be around 1500-1600 because they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Today's result: 2,184!!!!!!

I'm so thrilled with the results! It's really starting to seem real. I mean, I know that it is real, but it's hard not to be a little apprehensive because of what happened the last two times. This time is so different though. It's really going well. The nurses are pleased with the results and said everything looks really good and they will see me on September 23rd at my ultrasound.

So-lets keep the thoughts and prayers going please! I don't want to spend my entire pregnancy freaked out and not enjoying anything-but I'm also cautious. I just so badly want this to be my take home baby.

HCG baby!!

Drumroll please.....

The first HCG result was 793!!!!

It's never been that high for me before. So at 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I'm pretty stoked. The next one will be Friday. I'm a little nervous about that one because obviously, it's supposed to double or come close. So it should be about 1500 or around that. The nurse told me not to panic if it's not quite that. I'm hoping I have rockstar HCG that's at least 1500 though! :)

My first ultrasound is scheduled for September 23rd. My next two appointments after that are scheduled as well. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Trying really hard to stay positive and keep thinking good thoughts.

Hopefully I'll have fantastic news on Friday!!

Think Positive

Thinking positive is the theme for this post for two reasons:

Number one: I'm pregnant! I announce this here with a positive attitude, but very cautiously. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and after some testing and research, I think we have narrowed the problem down to stress and low progesterone levels-both of which, are fixed. I have a new job which means way less stress and I'm on progesterone supplements so there you go. I'm only around 5 weeks or so. It's very early. But this is a very critical time for me. I have to have my first hcg level blood draw tomorrow morning and the second one on Friday morning. I'm hoping and praying for good results. I don't want to go through a third miscarriage. I really feel good about this time and I feel like it's going to be okay. I have told my inner circle of friends, my mother, and my mother in law. That's my support system-the people who are with me whether it's good or bad. Of course, my husband is included in that as well. Several of them are praying for us and for this baby. All I want is a healthy take home baby. That's it.

Number two: Thinking positive has become my new mantra. Instead of assuming this is going to end badly, I feel that it will end 9 months from now with me giving birth to my son or daughter. My healthy, take home, son or daughter. I have 4 CLOSE friends in my inner circle and one friend from home who are all pregnant right now. So, why not me too? I deserve it just as much as they do. I have suffered through two losses, and I'm ready for it to be my time for something good. Something wonderful. So yes, I am still a little scared. I'm allowed to be. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to do everything in my power to stay positive.

I'll try to be better at updating. I will have my hcg results within 4 hours of the blood draw, so I'll put them  here as soon as I can. Please-if you read this, and if you pray-pray for me to have very good results on these blood tests. Wednesdays won't tell us too much, but Friday's will tell us if everything is going as it should. Please God, let it  be going as it should.

Where have I been?

Working and organizing.

Things are going better with the husband. I think sometimes we just get irritated with each other for no good reason. I think every couple does that. He says things to me that he shouldn't, and I say things to him that I shouldn't. We have gotten very good at talking about it though. We know that we do it. We both hate that we do it. We don't do it as much as we used to, but it still happens. The fact of the matter is that I love my husband very much and I couldn't imagine being without him, and he loves me more than life-and when it comes down to it-he would do anything for me. We just need to remember that sometimes.

It also helps that I came home from working out the other day and he had completely cleaned the family room. I'm talking got out the carpet spot cleaner and everything. That inspired me to start the cleaning and organizing projects I've been needing to work on.

It's not my closet-but you get the idea. Hehehe....

I organized my closet from top to bottom. I was in dire need of organizing my jewelry. I got some cheap key holders at Target, hung them inside the closet and that's what I used to hand my necklaces on. Also at Target, I got a couple of white plastic bowls (two small and one medium) and I used those for bracelets and rings. I used a tray that I already had for earrings. It turned out really good. I also finally put together my handbag organizers! I'm very excited to  be able to keep my bags nice and clean and dust free so that I can use them another season. I also have a bookshelf in my closet that I use for shoe storage, so I re-organized that as well. I feel pretty good about it.

The next day, still being inspired, I spent a good amount of time cleaning off our kitchen table. Let me just say that the kitchen table was messy to begin with because we don't have a good place to keep mail and things like that. Everything just kind of piles up there. Well, no more my friends. I hung a "mail box" type organizer on a wall in the kitchen. I can stick incoming bills in it, pens, scissors, etc. Anything I might need access to in a timely fashion. I also got an acordian folder to keep track of billing statements, etc. after they're paid so they don't clutter up my current bills folder. Anyway-things are looking good. I have a few more things to do, but I have found that doing one thing each day is really the way to do it. That way you don't get overwhelmed.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to. I did take tonight off from the organizing because I'm off tomorrow and that's what I planned on doing anyway.