A realization

This is the only safe place for me to talk about how I really feel.

As you can probably see in my post earlier today, I'm not having a good day. In fact I'm having a shitty day. I'm having a shitty life at the moment. I can't say anything on facebook without 17 people commenting all "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" blah blah....cuz they can't just leave well enough alone.

I can't even be coy and post song lyrics because people are stupid and would take it the wrong way. But I can say what I want to say here. This is how I feel:

Black Again-Stone Temple Pilots


When you're fed up and lonely
And nothing else seems to matter really

I'll be here waiting for the 
Black cloud to leave you
I'll be here to hold your hand 
When you're tired and lonely

Hold your breath underwater
And know you'll rise to the
Surface slowly

Think of me as a ship that might hold you

Carry you to the shore 
When you're tired and lonely

She can't eat 
She can't sleep 
She's not well (she's lonely again)
She can't breathe
She's in bed
She's in hell

But she'll never 
Really be alone 
As long as I'm beside her

Irritating=my life

I know it probably seems like I complain a lot....I do complain a lot. But that's just because I can't seem to catch a FLIPPIN' break! And the reality of it is that it's my own fault. I'm the reason that everything is sucking right now. What do I mean by that? I mean that money makes the world go round and we don't have any.

Ya know, this time last year when Ryan was still bringing in those huge paychecks because he got lots of over time while he was at the police academy, what we should have been doing is planning for the future and saving all of that extra money. What we were doing instead was acting like two poor people that won the lottery and buying tons of shit we didn't need. Completely irresponsible. Have we learned from that? Oh yes. Oh hell yes.

Lets move on to why it's my fault. I quit my job. The good paying job that I had, I quit. I quit because the stress was so intense that I had to go to therapy and start taking prozac. Fine. I found another job. Part time and it paid like $5 and hour less. Wasn't making very much money there....oh-and I got pregnant and had wicked morning sickness and couldn't be on my feet all day. So I quit. Now I got offered another job. The job that I interviewed for last week. I am thrilled! It's still part time, but it's more money. Still a little bit worried that I may not get enough hours but whatever-it's better than not having a job. Today at this job I find out that I will get paid twice a month. On the 15th and the 30th. There's a lag in your first check. My first check won't be until November 30th. That's a MONTH!!!!! I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!! We're having a baby, our dog is in the hospital again-our savings is gone! What the hell am I supposed to do?

I have a husband who makes $50,000 a year-not including overtime. Where in the FUCK is all of our money going????  I feel sick right now. I'm mad at myself and I feel absolutely sick for us being in this position. Absolutely sick. Oh and we're trying to figure out where we're going to live in May once our baby is born. We rent the house that we're in. It's not really in "baby" condition. We need some things to be fixed and we need new floors. Our landlords may or may not do this. My father in law doesn't want us living in this house with a baby at all. We can't buy a house because our credit is crap and we have no down payment. I don't know how it got so fucking terrible, but it did. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. I feel lost.

Organizing

I'm ready to de-clutter my home and my life in general. It's going to take A LOT of work. But it needs to be done. I have a wonderful book coming about de-cluttering your life. Should be here in a couple days. I do have a pet peeve though. Okay-several:

* Why the hell can't you order some of the smaller stuff from IKEA's website?? The closest IKEA to me is like an hour and a half away. Not that that's super far, but it's far enough that I can't just run right over there. I just want some of their smaller items for storage purposes, but nooooo, you can't buy that stuff online. Stupid.

* Why is everything for the purpose of organizing so damn expensive?? How are you supposed to be able to organize your life if you don't have thousands of dollars to spend. I understand the long term investment, but I'm not someone who has an abundance of money laying around now a days.

* Why can't I win the lottery?

LOL-okay....the last one...well, it's not like I'm banking on that. The other two are legitimate complaints.

Visit home, dog update, etc.

Haven't been on in a few days. I went to Cleveland on Thursday and I got back yesterday evening. It's always nice to spend time with my family. I got to see some friends this trip as well, so that was good. Don't really have much more to say about that-just that it's always hard to leave. It's hard to be around your family and then just not be. Every time I visit, I'm reminded how much I miss them and how much I miss home. This time, I was reminded how hard it's going to be to raise a child with my family 6 hours away.

Our dog has to have surgery again. This time it will be less invasive. There is a patch of skin that has basically died off, so that area is not healing. They need to cut that part out so there's only healthy tissue left so that it can finally properly heal. Thank god for Ry's parents or we wouldn't even be able to do this. Her first surgery took everything we had saved up. And it looks like this one is going to cost just as much as the first. So again...we'd be screwed without Ry's parents. They are awesome and always have been. So Brit's at the hospital right now-her surgery is tomorrow and we don't know how long she will have to be there....again. This is their last chance. If they don't fix it right this time, we're taking her to our normal vet.

I don't think I updated about my doctor's appointment or my interview last Wednesday? If I did already, I'm sorry for the redundancy. Interview went well. The lady was very nice and it sounds like a job that is right up my alley. The pay is pretty good-and it's basically part-time. The more work they have though, the more hours you can get sort of thing. Also, everyone is cross trained, so it doesn't get boring because you can be doing something different every time you work. As far as I can tell, no weekends-so that's a big plus. She was also headed out of town the day after our interview, so I'm giving her today as a freebee and then tomorrow I'm going to email or call her. I feel pretty good about it.

My doctor's appointment was fabulous! We got to hear the heartbeat AGAIN-so that's good. And they gave me a bunch of magazines and books and pamphlets and stuff. They are also having me stop taking my progesterone. She had said as long as we hear the heartbeat again (which we did) that I should just finish what I have of my progesterone and that will be it because I will be close enough to 12 weeks. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this. I have two suppositories left right now. I figured I should maybe wean off them so nothing crazy happens, cuz I heard sometimes spotting can happen and I really don't need to be freaked out like that. So I didn't take it last night and so far so good. I will take one tonight, then  not on Tuesday, and the last one I will take Wednesday. Friday I will be 12 weeks-so i guess that's as close as I'm gonna get. I thought about calling my doctor's office today and asking them about it, but she seems to be confident with everything so I guess I'll just stop when they say. She also said my uterus is growing and it's now in my abdomen where it should be. I had some blood work done and also got my flu shot so i don't have to worry about that. My next appointment is November 17th.

What else? I got my first pair of maternity pants! I love them. My house is a wreck....I wish I could hire someone to come in and clean and organize-just once to get everything in order-so that it's easier to keep up with. I have plenty of time to do all of this, but I'm just so tired, it's hard to get on board with it.

I wonder how long it takes to get to Philly?

Probably quite a while. I could fly there. Yes.

Why do I want to go to Philly? I want a mother-truckin CHEESESTEAK!!

I could go several places to get a cheesesteak. But I want an original, Philly, cheesesteak. I'm talking like from Pat's King of Steaks. The meat, the grilled onions, the "whiz"....yes-cheesewhiz.  Holy crap.

I don't know why, but I've had a bug up my butt for a couple weeks about eating a real philly cheesesteak. I blame the food network. I better go to bed before I actually purchase a plane ticket and go to Philly.

I.Am.Bored.

Soooo bored.

I need a hobby or something. Maybe I should go to the library? Or maybe I should go the craft store and find something I could work on. I don't know if it's because I'm super tired or if it's because I've been laying on the couch like all day, every day, just so the dog will do the same cuz she's not supposed to get excited or anything.

Oooh-I could color! I don't know where my crayons and coloring books are....I could always run to walmart and pick some more up. I don't even need to shower or put make up on to go there. :)

My friend Ann is supposed to stop by sometime today to close my Lia Sophia party.She hasn't said when yet. I have a ton of stuff I could be doing but I don't feel like it. I wonder if that will ever go away or if that's just me? I could be cleaning and organizing right now but that just doesn't sound fun. I would much rather just lay around and do nothing...lol. Oh my god, will this feeling of exhaustion ever go away?? I miss having energy!!

Another update

My doggie came home yesterday and she's doing great! We have to keep her cone on her most of the time because she keeps trying to lick her stitches. It's so good to have her home though! We have to keep her calm and quiet, which you know is challenging for a black lab. All she wants to do is run and play-but her injury is in such a high motion area that she can't run around and be crazy. She's been really good though. Just relaxing in the living room.

I also have a job interview next week! Crazy-right? Totally random, but I googled labs (like laboratories in the area that collect blood) and came up with a little list of places around here that I never even  knew about. I found one in particular that is kind of small and has totally normal hours and I just went ahead and emailed them. To my surprise, I got an email back from the lady who runs the place and she wants to set up an interview with me. I'm not sure what day yet-she gave me a choice of Monday or Wednesday, late morning or afternoon. So I basically told her whatever is more convenient for her and now I'm  just waiting on an email back. I'm intrigued. I didn't expect something so fast or from a place that would be so awesome to work at. I know that this isn't a desk job-persay. Honestly, I miss sticking needles in people-lol. I loved being a phlebotomist, I just didn't like the company I worked for and the way they ran their business and treated their employees. And with this new place-they aren't some huge operation, they probably don't have more than a few people working there. They are open M-T from 8-4:30 and F from 8-3:30. Saturdays is by appointment only. So that would be an awesome schedule. The exact kind of schedule I'm looking for. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this place is as cool as I think and that my interview goes well.

Lastly-I'm ready to go to the doctor. I know my appointment is on Wednesday, but that can't come soon enough. It's not really that I'm worried for any reason in particular...it's just that someone like me needs updates and reassurance more often. Having blood tests at the beginning was great-having the ultrasound was awesome. It's been like a month since that and I'm ready to hear the heartbeat again. I'm a little freaked out. I just want good news. I've had too much bad stuff lately-and definitely too much bad stuff on the baby front in the past. I can't take any bad news right now. I pray every single day for this baby. I pray that this IS our take home baby-even if it's the only one we ever get-this baby NEEDS to be born and NEEDS to be healthy. I don't want to be paranoid-and I don't want to be negative. I have no reason to be. Like I said, I'm just ready for an update. I'm ready for this appointment and so help me, it better be nothing but GREAT news.

Little bit of an update...

Well, the dog is doing really well and they are saying she will most likely come home tomorrow. She will require some extra care at home, but at least I'm here with her. So good news on that front. Until we have to pay the bill....still not really sure how much it's going to be or how we're going to deal with it. Oh well...we'll figure it out I suppose.

Still don't have a job-big surprise there, it's only been a few days. I reworked my resume yet again and resubmitted it to a few places. I just have to keep on trucking I suppose.

Today is our wedding anniversary. Four years ago today we were married. It was an amazing, beautiful day that I will never forget. The struggles we are facing on this anniversary are just a solid reminder of how much we love each other and what exactly those vows you take mean. No cards or presents this year. No dinner out to celebrate anywhere. Just being together is enough. We've got plenty more anniversaries ahead of us for all the extra stuff.

Today I received my fetal doppler that I rented from Belly Beats. I've already played with it, and honestly-I'm pretty sure I'm just picking up my own heartbeat-haha. I'm only 9 and a half weeks right now. I have an appointment with my doctor next Wednesday, so I think I will bring the doppler along and they can show me the right way to use it and show me what I'm looking for. Honestly, I'm not freaking out. I'm not an idiot-I know that they even have trouble at the doctor's office sometimes finding it so early. We heard it clear as day through the ultrasound I had at 6 and a half weeks-so at least I have heard it. The point of renting the doppler wasn't to freak myself out or make me worry, it was for re-assurance. Mostly for later in pregnancy when it's easier to pick up the heartbeat. I just got it now cuz I thought maybe I could hear it this early-they say 8-10 weeks usually you can start to hear it on the outside of your belly with a doppler. Maybe by next week.

Anyway-no idea if I get to go to Cleveland this weekend or not. We'll just have to see. I would really love to-and my family would obviously love for me to. Right now I'm kind of playing life by ear. We'll see how Brit is doing when she gets home and we'll have to see what our money situation is obviously. Oh-and we broke down and got a microwave last night. We got a cheap one. We couldn't go any longer without one. We have food to eat here but we were having no way to cook it...so we really had to get one. I guess that's it for now. More updates as I know more stuff!

When it rains, it pours.

Well, this weekend sucked.

I'm just gonna throw that out there. Saturday morning, I quit my job. I felt okay about it because I knew it just wasn't a good fit and now I can find something else. Okay. Fine.

About an hour after I quit my job, something horrible happened. Every morning after I give my dog her breakfast, I let her outside. Our yard is fenced in and it was really nice out Saturday morning, so we left her out there for about 40 minutes or so. Enough time to do her business and run around a little bit. When I let my dog back in, I noticed she was limping. I didn't get a good look at her, but I couldn't really see anything wrong. So I went into the living room and told Ry that she was limping. He called her into the living room and then we saw it. I'm sorry to sound so graphic, but her stomach was ripped open. Her skin was hanging off of her on her stomach and part of her leg. I immediately screamed and started crying. Ryan grabbed a towel and scooped her up and put her in the car. We drove her to the emergency animal hospital which is over at Purdue University. It's only about 15 minutes away thankfully. We called ahead and they were waiting with a gurney for her. At this point, we didn't know how she had gotten hurt so badly. When we got there they came to the car to get her and they took her back to the exam room while we filled out some paperwork. The verdict ended up being that she would need surgery to flush out the area and then they would re-attach the skin. I don't know how but she's VERY lucky. We found out later when we went home that what cut her was a stake from the horseshoe pit in the backyard. She didn't see it and ran right over top of it. We took the stakes out. It somehow sliced her perfectly-they kept saying it looked like she was "unzipped". It didn't damage the blood supply or anything. That's what was so weird-here she was-skin hanging off, but she wasn't bleeding-like at all. It didn't hit any arteries or blood vessels. Nothing. So she's been at the hospital since Saturday morning. She had surgery and got moved to ICU. We went to see her Saturday night. Poor baby was all out of it. They call us twice a day to update us and she's been getting better each day. We went to see her last night as well. The student who has been taking care of her had us try to feed her cuz she wasn't eating. She ate for us! I think she just felt more comfortable. We're really hoping that she will get to come home tomorrow. She'll have quite a bit of recovery ahead of her, but I just can't wait for her to come home. Now, of course, we would spend any amount of money to fix our dog. It's not even an issue. But I will say that we had $2000.00 in our savings account for baby, and we had to completely drain it and then some. So now, I have no job AND we have no savings. And we have a baby on the way.

Oh, and on Saturday  night, our microwave blew up. So we don't have a microwave. And we don't really have money to buy one at the moment. I'm supposed to be going home to Cleveland for a few days starting this weekend and now I don't even know if I have gas money to get there. And I haven't told my parents that I quit my job.

So in the blink of an eye, our whole world did a 180. So I feel pretty shitty right now. Ry JUST got paid last Wednesday and of course, this is the paycheck where we pay all of our big bills, so we are always a little stretched at the beginning of the month. But then all this happens. And we still have a week to go before he gets paid again. Right now I'm just concentrating all of my energy on my dog getting better and coming home and trying to find a new job. I know that everything will be fine. It always is. But when? This is the time when everything needs to be figured out and we need some stability til this baby comes. I'm just a little freaked out right now.

I need advice...

Here's the situation: I need to make more money.

My husband makes great money. I used to make pretty good money. I took a pretty sizable pay cut in order to leave my horrific last place of employment. I have nothing to hide-I went from a job where I worked full time and made $13+ an hour to a job where I work part-time and make $8 an hour. Now, there was a method to my madness. The plan was to leave the bad place and get an easy part time gig for a while so that I could finish up the medical billing and coding classes that I take online. What I didn't take into consideration was the fact that I could get pregnant so quickly. It goes without saying that being pregnant is priority number one and that I'm thrilled beyond belief to be pregnant. I don't want anything to jeopardize that.

So what I need advice about is pregnant job seeking. As it stands right now, if we just started cutting back on stuff we don't need, we could be fine. But I don't want to just be fine. We have a baby coming and that's very expensive. We have a good chunk of money in our savings account as well, but my goal was to at least double that by the time the baby arrived. We aren't gonna be able to do that going on as we are. What I need to figure out is do I need to just hurry up and finish the coding classes and then try to find a job doing that (at which point I'll be about 20 weeks along-therefore, half way to my due date and having to take maternity leave-if anyone would even hire me to begin with. Or, would the better option be trying to find something now (a desk job maybe that has consistent hours and pays a little more) and do that until I have the baby and wait to try to begin my coding career after the baby is born?

I'm just not really sure what to do at this point. I should've put more thought into things before I tried to get a shitty retail job. I think I was just looking at something temporary either way until I could finish up my coding stuff and start doing that. Would anyone even hire a pregnant woman? I mean, technically, I could lie about it for at least 6-8 more weeks. And also, technically, employers can't discriminate against you for being pregnant. As long as you are capable of doing the job at hand, they can't take your pregnancy into consideration.

I really need to figure something out. There are things we are supposed to be doing to this house before the baby comes and money we need to be saving, all the while, we need to be paying our bills and paying for everyday necessities. What should I do?

8 weeks, 3 days

Woo!! I've never made it this far, so this is pretty exciting for me.

Things are going well. Boobies still hurt like hell, nausea is still present and accounted for most of the day. I have crazy dreams at night...yep. Good times!

This Sunday I will be 9 weeks. Two weeks from today is my next doctor's appointment, so that's exciting. I really want to hear the heartbeat again!! I'm excited that I'm approaching the 2nd trimester. Slowly but surely, we're getting there. I could not be happier.

Baby is the size of a raspberry this week! By the way-image is courtesy of The Bump. Don't want to get in trouble. :)