Baby News!!

Well kids, I can't believe that I'm 20 weeks! Actually, 20 weeks and 3 days-on Friday I'll be 21 weeks. Anyway, last Wednesday we had our ultrasound. It was AMAZING. Seriously-so awesome. Most amazing was finding out the gender: IT'S A BOY!!!!!!  We couldn't be happier. He's looking good-measuring right where he's supposed to, and he was moving around like crazy in there!!


We got a disc full of pictures and even video. I'll post a couple pics and I'll try to insert the video too. Also, baby boy has a name! Nolan James. So far it's gotten some pretty good reviews, so that's good. We also started one of our registries too! So there has been a lot going on in the past week.

The first pic is a profile pic and the second one you can actually kinda see his face-which is crazy. I'm already so in love with him!

We have lots of other stuff going on as well-but I think this is enough info to cram into a post for now. Look for an update later on this week! I hope everyone had as wonderful of a holiday as I have. I definitely feel very blessed this holiday season!

I totally LOVE this

So, I have a handbag fetish. Always have. Always will. Something about a gorgeous bag that just makes me weak in the knees!

Keeping that in mind, I found a diaper bag that is so amazing...so gorgeous....Ohhh...Emmm...Geeee. I am a big fan of the idea that the diaper bag is ACTUALLY for the mom. It doesn't need to look like a diaper bag and it doesn't need to have puppies and flowers and crap on it. This bag of my dreams is the Skip Hop Studio Diaper Tote. Check it out:

Isn't it beautiful!! I like this one which I believe is Pewter Dots, and I also like the Black one. Features include:

• 14 pockets & zip-top closure (big enough for most laptops)
• Zip pocket protected by Agion® antimicrobial lining
• Two roomy insulated side bottle pockets
• Quilted cushioned changing pad
• Water-resistant inside & out
• PVC-free, eco-friendly materials
• Snap-down front pocket lets you stash a blanket/bib underneath
• Nickel feet keep STUDIO off the ground & scuff-free
• Hangs neatly on a stroller & can be worn over the shoulder
• Contrasting lining makes it easy to find what you need
• Dimensions (inches): 17 wide x 12 tall x 6 deep (43.2 X 30.5 X 15.2 CM)

Drawback? There are none. Unless you consider price a drawback. It's $90. I've paid that for a handbag before-and this is so much more than that! Is that too expensive to put on my registry? Ehh...ya know, I can always put it on there, and when I don't get it, I will get a discount on what's left on my registry! I may have just figured out how to beat the system! It will be mine....oh yes...it will be mine.

Drive by post

Okay-just real quickly.

Lots going on-lots to update about. It's all good-don't worry. :)

Baby is good-we have an appointment Thursday and then the big ultrasound is fast approaching. Christmas will be in Cleveland-hooray!! We might be buying....and actually building a house (long story). If $1000 could just fall out of the sky for our earnest money that would be helpful so we could get going on this.

I'm super tired and ready for bed and I have no real updates on anything. So give me a few days to sort out details and I'll be back with a proper update. :)
 
Hope all is well out in blog land!

Hi-I'm ridiculous

So, I ended up going to the ER on Friday.

I talked about having some pressure the other day and it was making me a little uncomfortable. Well, on Thanksgiving, when my hubby woke up, he saw me doing some research on it and asked what was going on. I started to explain it to him and I started crying because I was freaked out. He was SO GREAT. He sat there with me and held my hand and tried to calm me down. We talked through it and decided that since there was no actual pain or bleeding or anything that we would go about our day and wait until I could talk to my doctor's office the next day.

I felt better on Friday but I still had a little bit of pressure. When I finally talked to the nurse at my doctor's office, she didn't make me feel any better. Keep in mind at this point, I have asked several pregnant and previously pregnant friends about this-and almost all of them told me that it's normal. Most of the information I found on the internet also said that this was normal, despite a few instances where this pressure (more severe along with other symptoms) was not normal. So just when I'm feeling better about this, the nurse tells me, "no....it's not normal for 16 weeks....I think we'll try to get you in Monday (...it's FRIDAY)...and I would just say to spend the rest of the weekend laying on your left side and drink a lot of water."  Me: "Oh....well, if it's not normal, will I be okay until Monday, or do I need...." Her: "Oh yeah!! You'll be fine. We'll see you Monday at 9. Have a nice weekend!" CLICK. Me: "What the HELL?"

In the world of me, if you tell me that something I'm experiencing isn't normal, but then you tell me I'm good for 3 days as long as I lay down...that's incredibly confusing. So I tell Ryan what she said and then he starts getting pissed because she actually said that it wasn't normal but then didn't seem concerned about it. So we start freaking out and decide that we are going to the ER. At this point, we don't care if we look like idiots who are worrying for nothing, this is about the health of our baby.

So we go to the ER, I explain everything that's been going on and tell them how casual the nurse was about it at my doctor's office and the nurses and doctor there agreed with me. They couldn't believe that she would tell me something was not normal, especially without even consulting with my doctor. I mean, if it's not normal, she should have told me to come in right then for a quick exam or tell me to go ahead and go to the ER just to get it checked out since they couldn't see me until Monday. So everything ended up being okay. My cervix looks and feels just like it should, and we picked up a strong heartbeat as usual. Either way-it made me feel a lot better to go and get a professional opinion.

We still have the appointment tomorrow morning and as far as Ryan is concerned, he's gonna make sure they know exactly what the nurse told me and which nurse it was. I gotta say, I can't be mad about that. These are my doctors and nurses, they are supposed to have my best interest in mind and they are supposed to understand when I have concerns. I'm not just some random crazy pregnant woman. I'm sure they see a ton of those too. But I would like to know that if I had a concern like this again they would take it a little more seriously. Anyway, so we'll see after we have the appointment tomorrow whether or not I still feel comfortable with these healthcare providers.

Thankful

On this Thanksgiving, I feel that I have a lot to be thankful for.

For starters, I could not be more thankful that I'm pregnant. I thank God for that everyday. After two losses, I feel blessed that I've made it this far, and I continue to pray that I will make it to full term and have a healthy baby. Sometimes it's hard to believe that I'm even at this point. And sometimes, I still get scared that something will go wrong. Case in point-I contemplated going to the ER today. Why? Because I felt a little bit of pressure on my vajayjay. Granted, everything is growing and expanding, and from what I gather, some pressure on your lady parts and on your bum is normal. But, you have to sift through information on the internet carefully because while 37 people will tell you that it's normal, one person will come in and say that it's not normal and that it means you have an incompitant cervix and you should go to the hospital. Seeing as I've had no pain or bleeding or anything like that, I'm gonna just try to relax and call my doctor's office tomorrow just to make sure I'm actually just crazy.

I'm also thankful for my amazing husband. He is truly my best friend and he works so hard to take care of us. I couldn't be more proud of him. I just hope he knows how much I appreciate him and everything he does to make our life what it is.

I'm so very thankful for my dog this Thanksgiving. I'm thankful that she's alive and healthy and that she has recovered from her accident. She is just such a huge part of our lives, I don't know what we'd do without her. I love her to pieces!

I'm also thankful that I have a job (even if it's only part time), I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head and a warm place to sleep at night, food to eat, and family and friends that are wonderful. It's easy to take things for granted on a daily basis, but that's what I love about Thanksgiving. It reminds you of what you have and that no matter how bad you think you might have it, there's someone out there that has it worse. Be thankful for everything you have. Happy Thanksgiving.

Headaches

I'm a bad blogger! My last post was when I turned 14 weeks, this Friday I'll be 16 weeks! I will be keeping up with the belly pics and stuff-I am taking them, I just haven't posted them yet.

Things are going well, except that I feel like I have headaches several times a week. Now, prior to being pregnant, I would just take some Excedrin Migrane and call it a day. No matter what kind of headache I had, that's what I would take because that seemed to be all that works for me. Well, you can't take the good stuff when you're pregnant, so I've found myself having these headaches and just having to suffer basically.

I know that right now, they are mostly sinus headaches because my sinuses are completely out of control.  I asked my doctor about it last week and she told me I could take the Advil sinus stuff......huh?? I am definitely not going to take it. There's no way, I'm too scared. So instead I got some nasal spray and just took one stupid regular tylenol. And what does that do for me? NOTHING. So I'm trying to drink more water and I'm using a heating pad to try to loosen up my neck muscles. Sometimes caffeine helps, but I try not to over do it with that.

I wish there was a better way to make the headaches go away.

Week 14

As of a couple days ago, week 14! That is officially the 2nd Trimester! Makes me happy to see those words!

courtesy of the bump

So lets see. I have another doctor's appointment on Wednesday. Nothing too exciting I think. Just a regular appointment to check everything out and hear the heartbeat.  I started taking belly shots a couple weeks ago. I have a 13 week and a 14 week. I think my 14 week actually looks smaller than the 13 week, but I had a different shirt on..who knows. I definitely feel fat...so yeah.

week 13

week 14

So there's that. What else? My doggie is doing great!!! She finally got a clean bill of health yesterday and she can get back to all of her normal activity. Her belly is looking really good. We're finally gonna take her to get a bath tomorrow-thank goodness! She's been a little bit stinky!

Also found out that my in-laws will be coming at the end of this week. Just my mother in law was supposed to come but now my father in law is coming too! They will be here sometime on Friday. They are gonna stay with us for a couple days and then my father in law is flying back on Monday morning and my mother in law is going to stay through Thanksgiving. She has to take her mom to a doctor's appointment and stuff too, so she won't be here the whole time, but it will be nice to have them back and spend some time with them for a few days. They haven't seen me since I've been pregnant so that will be fun. I'm not sure what the plan is for Thanksgiving yet. I think we're either gonna have dinner here at our house or we'll go out to eat. Whatever is easiest for Ry's mom and grandma. 

I've started looking at registry stuff. I haven't started any registries yet. I'm waiting until after December 22nd when we find out what we're having. But I want to be prepared so that I'm not completely overwhelmed. I'm going to register at Babies R Us, Target, and Walmart. I'm going to have 2 showers-one here in Indiana and one at home in Cleveland. I don't know if we're supposed to register for the crib and stuff or if we're supposed to be the ones to buy it. Hmm. I need to to some more research. I also got a list of stuff from one of my friends of things that she found to be really helpful and really useless when she had her baby. She made a lot of really good points so I think that is going to help me out a lot when I register.  Well, I have lots of school work to do today so I better get going!

Week 13

As of tomorrow, welcome to week 13 :)

I was feeling anxious today so I called the doctor's office to see if I could get in and hear the heartbeat. They're so awesome they fit me in. Nice strong heartbeat-she found it right away. The heartbeat was 150!! Also, I have the "big" ultrasound schedule! Dec. 22nd baby! Right before Christmas...weee! Feeling pretty good. I don't think I'll ever stop being scared or anxious, but it's always good to hear the heartbeat.

A realization

This is the only safe place for me to talk about how I really feel.

As you can probably see in my post earlier today, I'm not having a good day. In fact I'm having a shitty day. I'm having a shitty life at the moment. I can't say anything on facebook without 17 people commenting all "are you okay?" "what's wrong?" blah blah....cuz they can't just leave well enough alone.

I can't even be coy and post song lyrics because people are stupid and would take it the wrong way. But I can say what I want to say here. This is how I feel:

Black Again-Stone Temple Pilots


When you're fed up and lonely
And nothing else seems to matter really

I'll be here waiting for the 
Black cloud to leave you
I'll be here to hold your hand 
When you're tired and lonely

Hold your breath underwater
And know you'll rise to the
Surface slowly

Think of me as a ship that might hold you

Carry you to the shore 
When you're tired and lonely

She can't eat 
She can't sleep 
She's not well (she's lonely again)
She can't breathe
She's in bed
She's in hell

But she'll never 
Really be alone 
As long as I'm beside her

Irritating=my life

I know it probably seems like I complain a lot....I do complain a lot. But that's just because I can't seem to catch a FLIPPIN' break! And the reality of it is that it's my own fault. I'm the reason that everything is sucking right now. What do I mean by that? I mean that money makes the world go round and we don't have any.

Ya know, this time last year when Ryan was still bringing in those huge paychecks because he got lots of over time while he was at the police academy, what we should have been doing is planning for the future and saving all of that extra money. What we were doing instead was acting like two poor people that won the lottery and buying tons of shit we didn't need. Completely irresponsible. Have we learned from that? Oh yes. Oh hell yes.

Lets move on to why it's my fault. I quit my job. The good paying job that I had, I quit. I quit because the stress was so intense that I had to go to therapy and start taking prozac. Fine. I found another job. Part time and it paid like $5 and hour less. Wasn't making very much money there....oh-and I got pregnant and had wicked morning sickness and couldn't be on my feet all day. So I quit. Now I got offered another job. The job that I interviewed for last week. I am thrilled! It's still part time, but it's more money. Still a little bit worried that I may not get enough hours but whatever-it's better than not having a job. Today at this job I find out that I will get paid twice a month. On the 15th and the 30th. There's a lag in your first check. My first check won't be until November 30th. That's a MONTH!!!!! I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!! We're having a baby, our dog is in the hospital again-our savings is gone! What the hell am I supposed to do?

I have a husband who makes $50,000 a year-not including overtime. Where in the FUCK is all of our money going????  I feel sick right now. I'm mad at myself and I feel absolutely sick for us being in this position. Absolutely sick. Oh and we're trying to figure out where we're going to live in May once our baby is born. We rent the house that we're in. It's not really in "baby" condition. We need some things to be fixed and we need new floors. Our landlords may or may not do this. My father in law doesn't want us living in this house with a baby at all. We can't buy a house because our credit is crap and we have no down payment. I don't know how it got so fucking terrible, but it did. I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. I feel lost.

Organizing

I'm ready to de-clutter my home and my life in general. It's going to take A LOT of work. But it needs to be done. I have a wonderful book coming about de-cluttering your life. Should be here in a couple days. I do have a pet peeve though. Okay-several:

* Why the hell can't you order some of the smaller stuff from IKEA's website?? The closest IKEA to me is like an hour and a half away. Not that that's super far, but it's far enough that I can't just run right over there. I just want some of their smaller items for storage purposes, but nooooo, you can't buy that stuff online. Stupid.

* Why is everything for the purpose of organizing so damn expensive?? How are you supposed to be able to organize your life if you don't have thousands of dollars to spend. I understand the long term investment, but I'm not someone who has an abundance of money laying around now a days.

* Why can't I win the lottery?

LOL-okay....the last one...well, it's not like I'm banking on that. The other two are legitimate complaints.

Visit home, dog update, etc.

Haven't been on in a few days. I went to Cleveland on Thursday and I got back yesterday evening. It's always nice to spend time with my family. I got to see some friends this trip as well, so that was good. Don't really have much more to say about that-just that it's always hard to leave. It's hard to be around your family and then just not be. Every time I visit, I'm reminded how much I miss them and how much I miss home. This time, I was reminded how hard it's going to be to raise a child with my family 6 hours away.

Our dog has to have surgery again. This time it will be less invasive. There is a patch of skin that has basically died off, so that area is not healing. They need to cut that part out so there's only healthy tissue left so that it can finally properly heal. Thank god for Ry's parents or we wouldn't even be able to do this. Her first surgery took everything we had saved up. And it looks like this one is going to cost just as much as the first. So again...we'd be screwed without Ry's parents. They are awesome and always have been. So Brit's at the hospital right now-her surgery is tomorrow and we don't know how long she will have to be there....again. This is their last chance. If they don't fix it right this time, we're taking her to our normal vet.

I don't think I updated about my doctor's appointment or my interview last Wednesday? If I did already, I'm sorry for the redundancy. Interview went well. The lady was very nice and it sounds like a job that is right up my alley. The pay is pretty good-and it's basically part-time. The more work they have though, the more hours you can get sort of thing. Also, everyone is cross trained, so it doesn't get boring because you can be doing something different every time you work. As far as I can tell, no weekends-so that's a big plus. She was also headed out of town the day after our interview, so I'm giving her today as a freebee and then tomorrow I'm going to email or call her. I feel pretty good about it.

My doctor's appointment was fabulous! We got to hear the heartbeat AGAIN-so that's good. And they gave me a bunch of magazines and books and pamphlets and stuff. They are also having me stop taking my progesterone. She had said as long as we hear the heartbeat again (which we did) that I should just finish what I have of my progesterone and that will be it because I will be close enough to 12 weeks. I have to admit, I'm a little nervous about this. I have two suppositories left right now. I figured I should maybe wean off them so nothing crazy happens, cuz I heard sometimes spotting can happen and I really don't need to be freaked out like that. So I didn't take it last night and so far so good. I will take one tonight, then  not on Tuesday, and the last one I will take Wednesday. Friday I will be 12 weeks-so i guess that's as close as I'm gonna get. I thought about calling my doctor's office today and asking them about it, but she seems to be confident with everything so I guess I'll just stop when they say. She also said my uterus is growing and it's now in my abdomen where it should be. I had some blood work done and also got my flu shot so i don't have to worry about that. My next appointment is November 17th.

What else? I got my first pair of maternity pants! I love them. My house is a wreck....I wish I could hire someone to come in and clean and organize-just once to get everything in order-so that it's easier to keep up with. I have plenty of time to do all of this, but I'm just so tired, it's hard to get on board with it.

I wonder how long it takes to get to Philly?

Probably quite a while. I could fly there. Yes.

Why do I want to go to Philly? I want a mother-truckin CHEESESTEAK!!

I could go several places to get a cheesesteak. But I want an original, Philly, cheesesteak. I'm talking like from Pat's King of Steaks. The meat, the grilled onions, the "whiz"....yes-cheesewhiz.  Holy crap.

I don't know why, but I've had a bug up my butt for a couple weeks about eating a real philly cheesesteak. I blame the food network. I better go to bed before I actually purchase a plane ticket and go to Philly.

I.Am.Bored.

Soooo bored.

I need a hobby or something. Maybe I should go to the library? Or maybe I should go the craft store and find something I could work on. I don't know if it's because I'm super tired or if it's because I've been laying on the couch like all day, every day, just so the dog will do the same cuz she's not supposed to get excited or anything.

Oooh-I could color! I don't know where my crayons and coloring books are....I could always run to walmart and pick some more up. I don't even need to shower or put make up on to go there. :)

My friend Ann is supposed to stop by sometime today to close my Lia Sophia party.She hasn't said when yet. I have a ton of stuff I could be doing but I don't feel like it. I wonder if that will ever go away or if that's just me? I could be cleaning and organizing right now but that just doesn't sound fun. I would much rather just lay around and do nothing...lol. Oh my god, will this feeling of exhaustion ever go away?? I miss having energy!!

Another update

My doggie came home yesterday and she's doing great! We have to keep her cone on her most of the time because she keeps trying to lick her stitches. It's so good to have her home though! We have to keep her calm and quiet, which you know is challenging for a black lab. All she wants to do is run and play-but her injury is in such a high motion area that she can't run around and be crazy. She's been really good though. Just relaxing in the living room.

I also have a job interview next week! Crazy-right? Totally random, but I googled labs (like laboratories in the area that collect blood) and came up with a little list of places around here that I never even  knew about. I found one in particular that is kind of small and has totally normal hours and I just went ahead and emailed them. To my surprise, I got an email back from the lady who runs the place and she wants to set up an interview with me. I'm not sure what day yet-she gave me a choice of Monday or Wednesday, late morning or afternoon. So I basically told her whatever is more convenient for her and now I'm  just waiting on an email back. I'm intrigued. I didn't expect something so fast or from a place that would be so awesome to work at. I know that this isn't a desk job-persay. Honestly, I miss sticking needles in people-lol. I loved being a phlebotomist, I just didn't like the company I worked for and the way they ran their business and treated their employees. And with this new place-they aren't some huge operation, they probably don't have more than a few people working there. They are open M-T from 8-4:30 and F from 8-3:30. Saturdays is by appointment only. So that would be an awesome schedule. The exact kind of schedule I'm looking for. So I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this place is as cool as I think and that my interview goes well.

Lastly-I'm ready to go to the doctor. I know my appointment is on Wednesday, but that can't come soon enough. It's not really that I'm worried for any reason in particular...it's just that someone like me needs updates and reassurance more often. Having blood tests at the beginning was great-having the ultrasound was awesome. It's been like a month since that and I'm ready to hear the heartbeat again. I'm a little freaked out. I just want good news. I've had too much bad stuff lately-and definitely too much bad stuff on the baby front in the past. I can't take any bad news right now. I pray every single day for this baby. I pray that this IS our take home baby-even if it's the only one we ever get-this baby NEEDS to be born and NEEDS to be healthy. I don't want to be paranoid-and I don't want to be negative. I have no reason to be. Like I said, I'm just ready for an update. I'm ready for this appointment and so help me, it better be nothing but GREAT news.

Little bit of an update...

Well, the dog is doing really well and they are saying she will most likely come home tomorrow. She will require some extra care at home, but at least I'm here with her. So good news on that front. Until we have to pay the bill....still not really sure how much it's going to be or how we're going to deal with it. Oh well...we'll figure it out I suppose.

Still don't have a job-big surprise there, it's only been a few days. I reworked my resume yet again and resubmitted it to a few places. I just have to keep on trucking I suppose.

Today is our wedding anniversary. Four years ago today we were married. It was an amazing, beautiful day that I will never forget. The struggles we are facing on this anniversary are just a solid reminder of how much we love each other and what exactly those vows you take mean. No cards or presents this year. No dinner out to celebrate anywhere. Just being together is enough. We've got plenty more anniversaries ahead of us for all the extra stuff.

Today I received my fetal doppler that I rented from Belly Beats. I've already played with it, and honestly-I'm pretty sure I'm just picking up my own heartbeat-haha. I'm only 9 and a half weeks right now. I have an appointment with my doctor next Wednesday, so I think I will bring the doppler along and they can show me the right way to use it and show me what I'm looking for. Honestly, I'm not freaking out. I'm not an idiot-I know that they even have trouble at the doctor's office sometimes finding it so early. We heard it clear as day through the ultrasound I had at 6 and a half weeks-so at least I have heard it. The point of renting the doppler wasn't to freak myself out or make me worry, it was for re-assurance. Mostly for later in pregnancy when it's easier to pick up the heartbeat. I just got it now cuz I thought maybe I could hear it this early-they say 8-10 weeks usually you can start to hear it on the outside of your belly with a doppler. Maybe by next week.

Anyway-no idea if I get to go to Cleveland this weekend or not. We'll just have to see. I would really love to-and my family would obviously love for me to. Right now I'm kind of playing life by ear. We'll see how Brit is doing when she gets home and we'll have to see what our money situation is obviously. Oh-and we broke down and got a microwave last night. We got a cheap one. We couldn't go any longer without one. We have food to eat here but we were having no way to cook it...so we really had to get one. I guess that's it for now. More updates as I know more stuff!

When it rains, it pours.

Well, this weekend sucked.

I'm just gonna throw that out there. Saturday morning, I quit my job. I felt okay about it because I knew it just wasn't a good fit and now I can find something else. Okay. Fine.

About an hour after I quit my job, something horrible happened. Every morning after I give my dog her breakfast, I let her outside. Our yard is fenced in and it was really nice out Saturday morning, so we left her out there for about 40 minutes or so. Enough time to do her business and run around a little bit. When I let my dog back in, I noticed she was limping. I didn't get a good look at her, but I couldn't really see anything wrong. So I went into the living room and told Ry that she was limping. He called her into the living room and then we saw it. I'm sorry to sound so graphic, but her stomach was ripped open. Her skin was hanging off of her on her stomach and part of her leg. I immediately screamed and started crying. Ryan grabbed a towel and scooped her up and put her in the car. We drove her to the emergency animal hospital which is over at Purdue University. It's only about 15 minutes away thankfully. We called ahead and they were waiting with a gurney for her. At this point, we didn't know how she had gotten hurt so badly. When we got there they came to the car to get her and they took her back to the exam room while we filled out some paperwork. The verdict ended up being that she would need surgery to flush out the area and then they would re-attach the skin. I don't know how but she's VERY lucky. We found out later when we went home that what cut her was a stake from the horseshoe pit in the backyard. She didn't see it and ran right over top of it. We took the stakes out. It somehow sliced her perfectly-they kept saying it looked like she was "unzipped". It didn't damage the blood supply or anything. That's what was so weird-here she was-skin hanging off, but she wasn't bleeding-like at all. It didn't hit any arteries or blood vessels. Nothing. So she's been at the hospital since Saturday morning. She had surgery and got moved to ICU. We went to see her Saturday night. Poor baby was all out of it. They call us twice a day to update us and she's been getting better each day. We went to see her last night as well. The student who has been taking care of her had us try to feed her cuz she wasn't eating. She ate for us! I think she just felt more comfortable. We're really hoping that she will get to come home tomorrow. She'll have quite a bit of recovery ahead of her, but I just can't wait for her to come home. Now, of course, we would spend any amount of money to fix our dog. It's not even an issue. But I will say that we had $2000.00 in our savings account for baby, and we had to completely drain it and then some. So now, I have no job AND we have no savings. And we have a baby on the way.

Oh, and on Saturday  night, our microwave blew up. So we don't have a microwave. And we don't really have money to buy one at the moment. I'm supposed to be going home to Cleveland for a few days starting this weekend and now I don't even know if I have gas money to get there. And I haven't told my parents that I quit my job.

So in the blink of an eye, our whole world did a 180. So I feel pretty shitty right now. Ry JUST got paid last Wednesday and of course, this is the paycheck where we pay all of our big bills, so we are always a little stretched at the beginning of the month. But then all this happens. And we still have a week to go before he gets paid again. Right now I'm just concentrating all of my energy on my dog getting better and coming home and trying to find a new job. I know that everything will be fine. It always is. But when? This is the time when everything needs to be figured out and we need some stability til this baby comes. I'm just a little freaked out right now.

I need advice...

Here's the situation: I need to make more money.

My husband makes great money. I used to make pretty good money. I took a pretty sizable pay cut in order to leave my horrific last place of employment. I have nothing to hide-I went from a job where I worked full time and made $13+ an hour to a job where I work part-time and make $8 an hour. Now, there was a method to my madness. The plan was to leave the bad place and get an easy part time gig for a while so that I could finish up the medical billing and coding classes that I take online. What I didn't take into consideration was the fact that I could get pregnant so quickly. It goes without saying that being pregnant is priority number one and that I'm thrilled beyond belief to be pregnant. I don't want anything to jeopardize that.

So what I need advice about is pregnant job seeking. As it stands right now, if we just started cutting back on stuff we don't need, we could be fine. But I don't want to just be fine. We have a baby coming and that's very expensive. We have a good chunk of money in our savings account as well, but my goal was to at least double that by the time the baby arrived. We aren't gonna be able to do that going on as we are. What I need to figure out is do I need to just hurry up and finish the coding classes and then try to find a job doing that (at which point I'll be about 20 weeks along-therefore, half way to my due date and having to take maternity leave-if anyone would even hire me to begin with. Or, would the better option be trying to find something now (a desk job maybe that has consistent hours and pays a little more) and do that until I have the baby and wait to try to begin my coding career after the baby is born?

I'm just not really sure what to do at this point. I should've put more thought into things before I tried to get a shitty retail job. I think I was just looking at something temporary either way until I could finish up my coding stuff and start doing that. Would anyone even hire a pregnant woman? I mean, technically, I could lie about it for at least 6-8 more weeks. And also, technically, employers can't discriminate against you for being pregnant. As long as you are capable of doing the job at hand, they can't take your pregnancy into consideration.

I really need to figure something out. There are things we are supposed to be doing to this house before the baby comes and money we need to be saving, all the while, we need to be paying our bills and paying for everyday necessities. What should I do?

8 weeks, 3 days

Woo!! I've never made it this far, so this is pretty exciting for me.

Things are going well. Boobies still hurt like hell, nausea is still present and accounted for most of the day. I have crazy dreams at night...yep. Good times!

This Sunday I will be 9 weeks. Two weeks from today is my next doctor's appointment, so that's exciting. I really want to hear the heartbeat again!! I'm excited that I'm approaching the 2nd trimester. Slowly but surely, we're getting there. I could not be happier.

Baby is the size of a raspberry this week! By the way-image is courtesy of The Bump. Don't want to get in trouble. :)

Morning Sickness=not cool

Seriously? It's not "morning" sickness when you basically have it from the time you wake up until about 7:30 every night. In a way, I love that I'm having this very normal pregnancy symptom because it means that things are going just as they should. The unfortunate side effect is that this is effecting every aspect of my life. I've already started resenting my job because of how shitty I feel every day. I'm sorry, but when I spend the entire day feeling exhausted and queasy and wondering if I'm going to throw up or not-the last thing I want to do is schmooze with customers at the store and try to get them to buy shit or open credit cards. Ugh.

All I want to do-all day, every day-is be at home. Because, at home-it's okay if I feel like crap. I can  be in my sweats and lay on the couch and I don't have to worry about talking to anyone or anything. What would have been better even, is trying to find a job where I could sit at a desk all day and just work quietly. That would be preferable to this.

Or maybe the sickness is just an excuse. I don't have the best track record with liking my jobs. I don't  know though-I actually do enjoy this job-I just don't like doing it while I feel like shit. I don't like being on my feet all day and sucking up to people when I feel so terrible. And I miss my weekends. Don't get me wrong-I'm not an idiot. I knew that a retail job came with night and weekend work. But why do I have to work from 1-close EVERY Saturday  night?? That's bullshit. Make someone else work that shift....and then I have to come back and work on Sunday all fucking day. Ugh. And I do get one weekend off maybe once a month...I don't know-it's too soon to tell. Even the weekend I'm supposed to leave for Cleveland, I have to work that Saturday until like 3-so I'm not even gonna get into town until like 10 p.m. There were too many people that had already requested it off before I started. Whatever.

UGH! I always do this shit to myself. Had I known that I would be pregnant now, I probably wouldn't have gotten a job at all until after the baby was born. I'm trying really hard to not be stressed because I really don't need that right now. But I can't help but be a little frustrated. I just really hope this feeling passes. I really hope that when I get to the second tri, I feel like me again. I need my energy back!

Yay for baby!

The update is a little late-but I've been working.

Yesterday was our first ultrasound and it went great!!! The baby is measuring just where it should be (almost 7 weeks) and we got to see AND hear the heartbeat! 148 beats per minute-woohoo!! They estimate the due date at May 13th.

Everything is looking good! The next appointment is October 20th-I'll be like 10 1/2 weeks.

That is the baby there on the right and that little ball looking thing at the bottom is the yolk sac. That is keeping baby all good and full of nutrients and what not until the placenta finishes forming.

Me and Ry couldn't be happier-this is truly a blessing. Grow little bean grow!! Get big and strong-we can't wait to meet you in May!

Today is the day

I'm a little nervous. And I'm a little scared.

Today is my ultrasound. I've felt really good about it up until today and now I'm just scared. I'm trying to be positive-and I have every reason to be. So far, this has gone really well. I have the blood work, sore boobs, and nausea to prove it! But I can't help but be a little bit nervous.

I just want to get there and see a baby (well-it's gonna look more like a little alien at this point) on the screen and see or hear a heartbeat-whichever is supposed to be the norm at this point. I want reassurance. I've been praying everyday for this to go well. Please god let this go well. I'll do anything....just please.

Appointment is at 1 o'clock. I may not be able to update until I get off work tonight. Wish me luck.

Morning Sickness? Yeah right....

I say that because they might as well just call it "all day sickness". This sucks.

It started last Thursday. In the evening-while at work-this overwhelming feeling of nausea came over me. I didn't throw up. I ate some almonds and drank some water and that was that. Over the next few days, it started coming on more intense and more often. I haven't thrown up at all-but feeling like you're going to throw up all day, is no picnic. I can't eat anything. Nothing sounds good. This blows.

And it's effecting my job-which I can't afford right now. I have been there like a month-I definitely can't call in. Yesterday, I felt like shit. I must have looked like shit too because my boss told me I could go home an hour early. Once I got home, I laid in bed the rest of the night. Today I'm off and tomorrow I don't go in until 5....but damn. I have to do something. I can't be sick all day every day. I don't want to complain because having this kind of sickness just means that the pregnancy is going well, and of course, that's all I want. I want this to go well and be a healthy pregnancy that I get a take home baby at the end of. So I feel really bad complaining...but I can't be sick at work. I can't. Thankfully I only work part-time...but still. My job is basically talking to people and being on my feet all day. I need to have energy and feel good-not feel like shit.

I don't know what I can eat-because I HAVE to eat...I can't just not eat. That probably makes it worse. I go to the doctor on Thursday for my first ultrasound, so I'm going to talk to them and see what they say. I'm supposed to go to dinner tonight with  my best friend. She's pregnant too-but she's definitely past this stage. She asked me where I wanted to go to eat. Somewhere that serves saltines and water. Ugh.

Is it just me?

Not that this is something that I need to bother myself with right now, but it has occurred to me that I may never truly be content in a job. Unless I can work from home and like, be on the computer. That's really the only thing I can see me really enjoying.

Don't get me wrong-I could not be happier to be out of the horrible miserable place that I was in before, and I really do enjoy my new job. Granted I took a pay cut-a big one-and granted I have to be on my feet my whole shift. But it's quite stress free honestly.

I think I just need a job where I work from home. Seriously. Because I like being at home. I like sitting on the couch in my jammies and being on the computer. I know that I'm taking the coding and billing classes online-and I did some work on that today actually. I need to finish them up, get my certification, and after this baby comes, get a new job.

Cravings

So tonight, I went to the grocery store because I HAD TO HAVE angel food cake and this:

Yep. Rainbow Chip frosting. It's amazing. And instead of taking the time to make an entire cake, I just bought angel food cake because it's yummy, and it's not overpowering, so it lets the frosting be the star. :)

I've already had a piece. And before I go to bed, I may have another. I don't know if it's too early to have cravings-if so, then the craving was all in my head. But I'm glad that I gave in. Yum. 

I feel bad....

So, I used to hang out on The Bump message boards. I found a very comfortable home on the TTCAL board (trying to conceive after a loss). It was comforting to have a place to go to talk to other women who were going through or have gone through the same thing as me. The women there are very supportive of one another. Since I found out I was pregnant, I stopped going there. I did post that I got a BFP-and it seemed that some people were happy for me, but even though I have been on that board for like a year, I only got like 20 responses. Another girl who has been on the board a little while also posted a BFP the same day. She had 3 times the responses I did...even more than that.

It's not a popularity contest-I know that. But it showed me that maybe they wouldn't miss me if I was gone. I mean, after you get a BFP, they want you to go over to the pregnant after a loss board and start posting there. I lurked over there for a little bit, and I just wasn't feeling it. I don't want to sound like a bitch-or like I'm on my high horse or anything-but on both of those boards, there is so much loss and sadness and heartbreak...I just don't need to put myself in a place like that right now. As much as I think all of those ladies are fabulous and we share a common bond, I need to focus all of my energy on the positive right now. I don't need to sign on and see all the heartbreak on a daily basis. I'm not naive. I know that all stories don't have a happy ending. But I really feel good about this and I NEED my story to have a happy ending this time.

So I think the best thing for me is to not post on those boards anymore. I feel horrible about it. I don't want to be that person. But I can't help it. I need to separate myself from it and think only good thoughts. I mean, at this point, it's still so early. I do feel really good about it, but I can't help but be a little nervous because of how the last two times ended up. I want so badly to start reading my pregnancy books and to start my pregnancy journal, but I'm too scared to. What I want right now is for it to be mid November, so I can be into the 2nd trimester and be a little bit at ease.

Are we grown ups yet?

One of the things I'm enjoying about being pregnant is not being able to drink. Not being able to drink is your ticket out of going to certain events and acting like a damn fool at them. Even before I found out I was pregnant, I hadn't drank more than a glass of wine in a couple months. I'm getting too old for the drama and the bullshit and the feeling like shit the entire next day. Good riddance.

Unfortunately, I still have several friends that are not pregnant. There was a bachelorette party last night. My excuse to get out of it was that I was working til 9:30-which actually ended up being until 10, so that worked out just fine. A couple of my friends know that I'm pregnant, but a lot of people don't know yet, so I didn't want to out myself by going to a party and not drinking.

Anyway....glad I didn't go, for drama ensued. I was in bed-where I should be at 2:30 in the morning, and I got about a million text messages and a phone call from one of my friends. She was balling. No one was talking to her at the bachelorette outing and then they ended up ditching her. My husband is a police officer in the area that she was at, so I text him and sent him over to sit with her until her husband came to get her. I don't know the whole story, but she was pretty upset and even though she had been drinking, I definitely believe what she's saying. Some of the girls that were there are huge bitches and are shitty in general...so I can definitely see them doing something like that.

It's sad and pathetic though. I shouldn't have to get a phone call in the middle of the night from a crying friend telling me that she's been ditched and she's all alone. That's complete bullshit. Some of the girls that were there are actually pregnant, so they were sober and should DEFINITELY know better. I have to go to work for a few hours, but later today, I'm gonna talk to my friend and get the scoop so I know who needs a proper talking to.

In an unrelated note-my boobs hurt so damn bad. LOL....just sayin.

And the results are in.....

As I said the other day, HCG levels on Wednesday were awesome. They said that today they should be around 1500-1600 because they are supposed to double every 48-72 hours. Today's result: 2,184!!!!!!

I'm so thrilled with the results! It's really starting to seem real. I mean, I know that it is real, but it's hard not to be a little apprehensive because of what happened the last two times. This time is so different though. It's really going well. The nurses are pleased with the results and said everything looks really good and they will see me on September 23rd at my ultrasound.

So-lets keep the thoughts and prayers going please! I don't want to spend my entire pregnancy freaked out and not enjoying anything-but I'm also cautious. I just so badly want this to be my take home baby.

HCG baby!!

Drumroll please.....

The first HCG result was 793!!!!

It's never been that high for me before. So at 4 weeks and 3 days pregnant, I'm pretty stoked. The next one will be Friday. I'm a little nervous about that one because obviously, it's supposed to double or come close. So it should be about 1500 or around that. The nurse told me not to panic if it's not quite that. I'm hoping I have rockstar HCG that's at least 1500 though! :)

My first ultrasound is scheduled for September 23rd. My next two appointments after that are scheduled as well. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Trying really hard to stay positive and keep thinking good thoughts.

Hopefully I'll have fantastic news on Friday!!

Think Positive

Thinking positive is the theme for this post for two reasons:

Number one: I'm pregnant! I announce this here with a positive attitude, but very cautiously. I have had two miscarriages in the past year and after some testing and research, I think we have narrowed the problem down to stress and low progesterone levels-both of which, are fixed. I have a new job which means way less stress and I'm on progesterone supplements so there you go. I'm only around 5 weeks or so. It's very early. But this is a very critical time for me. I have to have my first hcg level blood draw tomorrow morning and the second one on Friday morning. I'm hoping and praying for good results. I don't want to go through a third miscarriage. I really feel good about this time and I feel like it's going to be okay. I have told my inner circle of friends, my mother, and my mother in law. That's my support system-the people who are with me whether it's good or bad. Of course, my husband is included in that as well. Several of them are praying for us and for this baby. All I want is a healthy take home baby. That's it.

Number two: Thinking positive has become my new mantra. Instead of assuming this is going to end badly, I feel that it will end 9 months from now with me giving birth to my son or daughter. My healthy, take home, son or daughter. I have 4 CLOSE friends in my inner circle and one friend from home who are all pregnant right now. So, why not me too? I deserve it just as much as they do. I have suffered through two losses, and I'm ready for it to be my time for something good. Something wonderful. So yes, I am still a little scared. I'm allowed to be. But that doesn't mean that I'm not going to do everything in my power to stay positive.

I'll try to be better at updating. I will have my hcg results within 4 hours of the blood draw, so I'll put them  here as soon as I can. Please-if you read this, and if you pray-pray for me to have very good results on these blood tests. Wednesdays won't tell us too much, but Friday's will tell us if everything is going as it should. Please God, let it  be going as it should.

Where have I been?

Working and organizing.

Things are going better with the husband. I think sometimes we just get irritated with each other for no good reason. I think every couple does that. He says things to me that he shouldn't, and I say things to him that I shouldn't. We have gotten very good at talking about it though. We know that we do it. We both hate that we do it. We don't do it as much as we used to, but it still happens. The fact of the matter is that I love my husband very much and I couldn't imagine being without him, and he loves me more than life-and when it comes down to it-he would do anything for me. We just need to remember that sometimes.

It also helps that I came home from working out the other day and he had completely cleaned the family room. I'm talking got out the carpet spot cleaner and everything. That inspired me to start the cleaning and organizing projects I've been needing to work on.

It's not my closet-but you get the idea. Hehehe....

I organized my closet from top to bottom. I was in dire need of organizing my jewelry. I got some cheap key holders at Target, hung them inside the closet and that's what I used to hand my necklaces on. Also at Target, I got a couple of white plastic bowls (two small and one medium) and I used those for bracelets and rings. I used a tray that I already had for earrings. It turned out really good. I also finally put together my handbag organizers! I'm very excited to  be able to keep my bags nice and clean and dust free so that I can use them another season. I also have a bookshelf in my closet that I use for shoe storage, so I re-organized that as well. I feel pretty good about it.

The next day, still being inspired, I spent a good amount of time cleaning off our kitchen table. Let me just say that the kitchen table was messy to begin with because we don't have a good place to keep mail and things like that. Everything just kind of piles up there. Well, no more my friends. I hung a "mail box" type organizer on a wall in the kitchen. I can stick incoming bills in it, pens, scissors, etc. Anything I might need access to in a timely fashion. I also got an acordian folder to keep track of billing statements, etc. after they're paid so they don't clutter up my current bills folder. Anyway-things are looking good. I have a few more things to do, but I have found that doing one thing each day is really the way to do it. That way you don't get overwhelmed.

Anyway, that's what I've been up to. I did take tonight off from the organizing because I'm off tomorrow and that's what I planned on doing anyway.

And in other news....

I'm pissed at my husband. He has been acting like a child lately and I'm getting sick of it.

I can't even have a proper argument with him because he just fires stuff right back at me-mean things that have nothing to do with why we're fighting. Granted, our fight started over something stupid, but it's an ongoing issue.

I don't care how many more hours he works than me, or how much more money  he makes than me, it doesn't make it solely my responsibility to do EVERYTHING around the house. He bitches if the house isn't clean enough, but then all he does is leave shit everywhere. And forget asking him to help with anything, because he'll just say, "I do what I want. I'll do it, but I'll do it when I want to do it.." which means never. Just a few examples: Sunday, we went to a cookout. He brought a cooler. It is now Thursday and the cooler was sitting in our kitchen, with nasty stagnant water in it, until about an hour ago. Is he the one who dumped it out and put it away? Nope. I did. Even though I specifically asked him to do it. I was sick of looking at it. Another example, I ALWAYS cook dinner AND do the dishes. Once in a while, I will ask him if he will HELP me with the dishes (like just dry them). Today I asked if he could do the few things that were in the sink and of course he said he would do it when he felt like it. About an hour ago, right before I dumped the cooler out, I did the dishes. All of them. All by myself. Last night I vacuumed the whole house and the couches, I always do all the laundry and  put it away...it's just getting old. He sits in his stupid chair and watches TV...meanwhile, he just piles his empty pop cans and water bottles and food wrappers and shit on the fireplace cuz he's too fucking lazy to get up and throw the shit away.

A few weeks ago we bought some shelves and spent a good amount of time organizing his entire closet. He was keeping it nice. Today, I went to put away some of his laundry and he has already started putting piles of clothes at the bottom of the closet again. He has a place for everything in there and he's putting shit on the floor again. I'm so FUCKING frustrated! And the worst part is that he doesn't give a shit. He thinks that this kind of stuff is my job. Oh, I also handle our budget too. He acts like we're sharing the responsibility, but in reality, all he does is work and then sit on his ass or sleep. I work, then I have to come home and cook, clean, grocery shop, take care of the pets, do laundry, do dishes, make sure our budget is on track, play bills, etc...it's NEVER ending.

He has this fucked up 1950's attitude...like the woman has a role and the man has a role and that's that. I'm so sick of that shit. Ugh...fuck this, I'm going to bed.

This is what's wrong with insurance companies and doctors....

So, today my pharmacy calls me.

The prescription for progesterone is not covered by insurance. Apparently "infertility" isn't covered. Fuck off. Oh-and it costs $462.00 for a month's supply.

WHAT THE FUCK?

I obviously can't afford that. I talked to the doctor's office and I'm calling them back tomorrow to try to figure something out. I did a little research of my own to see what I could take that was similar and I plugged all the numbers into the insurance calculator...I have options. I got this.

Cuz I love my dog!

I almost forgot!

I love the fact that I now work at a place that actually gives back to the community. Maurice's does this awesome event called Rescues and Runways.

It's in conjunction with the ASPCA. They do a runway show and the models wear Maurice's clothes and doggies that are up for adoption walk with them. When I found out about this, I thought it was absolutely awesome! I'm a huge animal person and to me, there's just nothing better than giving to an organization that's entire purpose is the well being of animals.

In addition to the runway show, you can also buy these best friend charms for your doggie!

You keep one half and you give the other half to your furry friend! I bought one today for my dog. I put the "Best Friends" part on her collar and I put the "For Life" part on my keys. She's my best buddy! These are only $5 at Maurices and it's a donation to the ASPCA. I highly recommend picking one up for the furbabies in your life!

Today was a good day :)

I'm gonna try to start adding pictures to my posts...people like pictures :)

Anyway, things are going pretty good lately. I think getting a new job was just what I needed. Work was good today. I feel like I'm learning a lot. Granted, retail isn't terribly difficult, but every store works differently and you have to learn how they do things.

I feel like I'm on track with the baby stuff too. My chart is looking pretty decent and I think I'm about to ovulate, so I need to call my doctors office tomorrow so I can get started on the progesterone. I'm very excited to start using that and to see if it works for me.

I've also been working out again. Last week, I rode a total of 40 miles on my bike! It feels good and it's fun! I ride with my friend Ann. She is great at keeping me motivated.

Only problem I have at the moment is a little bit of a headache. I think I can attribute that to lack of caffeine. No worries though. I need to run into town to pick up some stuff at Walmart, so I think I'll swing by Starbucks on my way!

Birthday Fun!

I had a great birthday! I have amazing friends and family and I'm very lucky!

My husband got me the Victoria's Secret Pink Purdue hoodie I've been wanting! He's so cute :)

He took me to lunch too. He had to go to work so for dinner, I went to my BFF's house. She made dinner for us-pork burgers with fries and corn on the cob. She got me a wonderful birthday gift too-a panini press! I'm so excited to make paninis-yum.... :)

I got tons of texts and facebook messages too-it's a little overwhelming. It's great to know that I have so many people in my life who really care about me. I also finally put in my letter of resignation at my job today. I don't have to go back...ever. And tomorrow I start my new job. I feel very blessed. On that note, I'm going to bed.

So...I just wanted to say...

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!!!!!!! 

I was starting to get scared that they wouldn't call. I start on Thursday (for Orientation). I'm so excited. The job is at my favorite clothing store-Maurices. I know to some people, it may seem like a step backwards. Going from a healthcare type job where I make $14.00 an hour to a retail job where I work part time and make a little more than half that. Well, the way I see it is this:

My husband has a great job and he makes pretty good money. I had a job that I made decent money-but I slipped into a depression and it started to effect every aspect of my life. I didn't have any energy. I was so stressed that I'm almost positive that that's what caused my two miscarriages. It was HORRIBLE. We knew that I needed to work, but that my money for the most part was just extra. So, while it's great to make the money I was making, the effect it had on my life wasn't worth it. That job sent me to therapy, caused me to take a leave of absence from work, and I'm on Prozac because of it. No job has EVER done that to me. That place is evil. This new job is a place I can work-wear my own clothes (be myself), not have to worry about all the bullshit that came with my old job. I feel relieved.

I'm still on leave at my old job...now I have to call or email them and tell them I'm not coming back. I don't really know the best way to do that. Especially since I still have shit in my locker at work. I don't think it's anything I can't live without....but I don't know. More to come on that. For now-I'm excited and I'm going to enjoy this. Tomorrow is my birthday-and I can enjoy it!!!

Punk kids and waiting around....

So-imagine my surprise this morning when I get in my car and my glove box is open and stuff is strewn about the inside of my car. And ALL of my cd's are missing. Yeah.

I live in a small town. A VERY small, seemingly safe, town. Did I lock my car that was in MY driveway? No. I never do. Am I mad at myself for not locking my car? No. I'm not. Because the other 5+ cars that got broken into last night actually got BROKEN INTO. So had I locked my car, I would not only be missing my super awesome cd collection, but I would also have to be buying a new window-which I can't afford right now.

I'm pissed. Oh well. What can I do about it? I'm mostly just mad that they probably took my cds, didn't actually want any of them, so they dumped them off somewhere.

In other news...got my errands done today. Went to the doctor, that was fine. Dropped off my tax check at the IRS place-whatever-that was fine.

I talked to the place that I'm trying to get hired at. The manager told me she did talk to the district manager and the only thing they were concerned about was that I originally wanted full time and this job was part time. I explained to her that part time was indeed fine-I only said full time because I had full time availability. The manager already knew that because she and I talked about it in my interview last week. So she said she needed to call him back and tell him that because he has final say. She said she would talk to him and call me back either today by the end of this afternoon, or first thing tomorrow morning. UGH. I hate waiting....did I mention that? I'm impatient and I'm trying to call my current job and quit-so I would like to know that I have a job to go to. So now I'm on edge.

I'm on edge because I NEED to quit my job like-this week...which means I need to be starting a new job. I guess it's out of my hands now. Honestly, if I don't get this, then I'm quitting my job anyway and I'm gonna start pounding pavement. I can get a job. But THIS job that I'm waiting to hear about is the one I really want. I've come this far. I've submitted an online and a paper application, I went in to fill out a questionaire thing, I've had TWO interviews, and they've called ALL of my references. I've worked at way higher profile places that never did that. They better be hiring me.

Okay-I need to go throw up or something. I've made myself nervous. Oh please-let this work out for me.

The Week Ahead

I think this coming week should go pretty well.

Being off work has been pretty awesome-but I'm looking forward to getting back into a routine of some sort. Here's how the week looks:

Monday:
-Doctors appointment at 11:15 (get more Prozac...hehe)
-Drop of tax check
-HOPEFULLY be getting a phone call from my *new* employer (I'm not gonna jinx this by saying who it is...)
-HOPEFULLY call my current employer (that I've been taking a month off from) to tell them I'm not coming back!

Tuesday:
-Work on school assignments
-Vacuum, straighten up a bit
-Bike ride (...nothing like riding ten miles on a bike in 90 degree weather to break a sweat!)

Wednesday:
-Happy Birthday to ME!!
-Birthday lunch with the hubs
-Birthday dinner at my friend Sarah's house

Thursday:
-HOPEFULLY be starting my new job :)

That's as far as I'm gonna go....cuz I don't know what the rest of the week holds. Here's what I hope it holds though: Ovulating....or at least getting a positive OPK so that I can call my doctor's office and get going on the progesterone supplements.

This is gonna be a good week :)

New Direction

So, the crazy got the best of me.

By that I mean that I finally caved and went to my doctor. It only took a couple nervous breakdowns and crying spells for no reason, but I thought it may be time to seek help.

So on Monday, I went to the doctor. I told her everything that has been going on with work (since that's 80% of my problem) and the miscarriages and all of that. I could hardly get everything out without bawling. She ended up diagnosing me with depression and giving me a prescription for Prozac. She also gave me time off work-a month-to see if that does anything. I assure you, that's definitely going to help. It's going to help because I now have a month to relax, get caught up on stuff, AND find a NEW job. Fuck that place. I'm not going back there. So I'm hoping this is the beginning of a new chapter and new direction in my life. I want to get back to the fun Lyndsay that I used to be!!

That's all I really have to say for now. Other than trying to relax a little bit this week, I'm also trying to get some things done. Saturday, I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding-so I'm just trying to get everything done and get myself ready to go so that for the first time in months, I can feel like I look fabulous. :) 

I'll report back soon.

Happy 4th of July weekend!

This weekend marks our countries Independence Day! Hooray!

I'm sad to say that I'm a bit under the weather and won't really be doing a whole lot for it this year. Strep and Mono have been ruled out, so I'm not sure what would cause me to feel like death and have a temperature of over 100 degrees, but either way-no fun.

The husband has to work all weekend anyway, so after I work a quick (hopefully) four hours tomorrow morning, it will be back home where I will probably stay for the majority of the weekend. I have to get some things done anyway. I've been slacking big time since I've been sick...we'll say that it's just since I have been sick...hehe...yes..but not really. Either way-lots to do, so I'll have plenty around the house to keep me busy this weekend.

Eclipse came out on Wednesday but I haven't seen it yet. I think I'll see if Ry wants to attempt to see it Monday-we're both off so that might work.

Well, I better get to bed-not that I can actually lay down and fall asleep like a normal person because my head is so stuffed up....delightful.

I'm not keeping up with my end of the deal....

But neither are you. And by "you" I mean everyone...because I have no readers. None. So this is basically my journal-just on line.

Anyway, a friend of mine said to me the other day that you have to have faith. That faith is underestimated and that God has a hand in everything we do-every part of our lives and just because people can't see him doesn't mean he's not real. I get that. She's very religious. I'm not super religious, but I definitely have faith. And I definitely pray.

Lately, I've been praying to try to get my way. The thing I pray for most is a new job. It's sad that I have to practically beg God for a new job, but I have been.

Here's what it sounds like when I pray:

"Dear God-Hi.....it's me again. I'm trying to get better at this praying everyday thing. I forget sometimes. I'm not perfect, but you know that *uncomfortable chuckle*......anyway....I told you that I was gonna bug you constantly until I got a new job, so here I am...as promised. Look...things are getting worse at work by the day. Evil has taken a new form in (insert name here) and things are going downhill fast. I can't work there anymore. I can't. I won't. Please don't make me. I apply for new jobs every other day. I apply for everything that I can..and there's not a lot out there right now. I think my resume is pretty good and I haven't even so much as gotten a phone call. That's bullshit. I'm sorry....I mean, that's not fair. I'm a good person....and I don't deserve this. I'm not asking for something huge here. In fact, if I were to get a new job, that would mean that my job would open up, thus creating a new position, that pays well-for someone else. So really, it's like recycling. Anyway, like I say every other time, please do whatever you can to guide me in the right direction. Please? Make my resume stand out to someone-anyone. Have them call me and set up an interview so that I at least have a chance to make an impression on them. Please? I'm begging you-you gotta help me out. Thanks for listening....."

That's pretty much the gist of it. Now, I'm not trying to be funny here. I'm just trying to get my point across. I'm praying-just like I have been advised to do. And I don't think that what I'm asking for is too much....so the least the universe could do is throw me a FREAKIN' bone. I NEED to hear something this week. Time is running out before extra shitty things start happening at work. Oh man.....I can feel the headaches/sickness/etc. on a daily basis coming back. The stress so bad that I sink into depression and have no will and no drive to do anything. I can't believe this shit is going to happen again. WTF???? If anyone else read my blog, I would ask them to pray too. Pray hard that I can at the very least be given an opportunity to have an interview somewhere. My resume can't suck that bad.

As Martha would say, "Good Things"

Speaking of Martha, I want to send a big F-U to Comcast for messing up the time of day that Martha is on here...she used to be on at 9 a.m., now I have no clue when her show comes on, but I'm certainly missing it!

Anyway...back to the point. Good Things. My last post was pretty negative. I'm starting to feel a little better about things. Life isn't perfect-so says my blog title. I have re-worked my resume and applied for some good jobs. Now I'm keeping my fingers crossed for something good to happen. I'm going to keep applying for jobs and keep my head up and hopefully that will be enough. It has to be because I'm running out of time at my job before big changes take place.

I've been working out a decent amount and not eating a ton of food...so that's good.

I'm trying to get organized in other aspects of my life as well. Finances are doing okay....so yeah, I guess things are going well.

Now it's bed time.

It's always something

Maybe I'm just negative. I don't want to be. But life keeps giving me lemons and instead of making lemonade, I want to throw the lemons back and say "screw you man!!".

Lets see...well, I found out the other day that something about my job is changing that PISSES ME OFF and that I can't change. I'm not even gonna get into it because it's already common knowledge that I hate my job. So I'm actively looking for new employment. I mean for real-active. I applied for some jobs online last night, and today I'm going to print out copies of my resume and then go into town and either mail them to perspective employers or fax them. We'll see. Either way, I have about a month before everything changes and I gotta get out of there. Seriously-the stress and bullshit of that place will drive me nuts-so I need to get out. I could launch into some giant explanation about all of this, but I'm not going to waste my time. It's words I've said over and over again to people, and I just can't repeat it anymore.

Oh, and in the past week, I've found out that two people I know are pregnant-one of them for the second time. And one of them, is a fucking idiot and took a test and announced it to the world the day she found out. What an asshole. That's so stupid. I've had two miscarriages in the past year-so my attitude is that pregnancy is not a casual thing and it's not set in stone-so immature little girls that have NO BUSINESS being pregnant, need to not  treat it like it's no big deal! She's gonna shit when she gets her period in like a week. That's mean, but I don't care anymore. I really don't. I am so stressed out and angry since both losses. When is it going to be my turn? Oh, it's not. Yeah.

Okay.....I need to get back to this job applying thing because if I have to be at my current job much longer, I might have to hang myself. I kid, I kid. Whatever-I have stuff to do.

This is a RANT. Move along if you're not interested.

So....I didn't go to bed until like 4:30 in the morning. I don't have to be to work until 2:30 today and I was trying to spend some time with my husband, whom I feel like I never get to see.

This morning at 10:15 a.m., my home phone rings. I am asleep-so I ignore it because no one ever calls our home phone. Then my cell phone rings-I ignore this. Then the home phone rings....again. I sit up to see if I can see who is calling, it looks like work. Just to be sure that I'm not in the wrong, I get up out of bed and stumble over to the fridge to check my work schedule. Nope-I'm not supposed to be to work until 2:30. Why are they calling me?

So by this time, I have a message on my answering machine and a message on my cell phone. What the fuck?

I listen to both messages. It's my boss. Apparently they are very busy at work and she wanted to know if I could come in earlier than 2:30.

Ya know what? NO. No, I can't come in earlier. Let me tell you why. I am at work ALL THE TIME. I feel like I spend half of my life there. And I've worked PLENTY of very busy days where we have been short handed and no one came in to help me. I have a LIFE. I, unfortunately, have to work for now, so I plan all of the other way more important things I have to do in my LIFE, around my stupid work schedule. I didn't go to bed until 4:30......I had planned to sleep until like noon, then get up take a shower, do a little laundry and straighten up, and then head to work. Now, I'm awake by 10:30-and I'm PISSED. I went back and forth with myself-because I'm a good person and of course I want to help out. But at the same time it's like, "no-fuck off"-no one helps me. So I didn't call back. And what I've come up with is that I'm going to take my shower and do a few things, and if I can get to work a little earlier-fine. If I can't-I'm not gonna worry about it. What the hell do they want from me??

It's not my fault that we're busy. And I'm sorry-but guess what? Other people work there!! Yes-other people-not just me. Call someone who has the whole day off and see if they want to come in. Because I know that right now, not everyone is working. After the holiday weekend, lots of people have days off. Call one of them and see if they will come in-I'm already coming in today!! I was there yesterday-all day-when we were VERY busy. Again-no one made an effort to come in and help. And I work tomorrow, and the next day-then I get one day off. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! FUCK! I hate this job-I hate this stupid fucking job. I am spending ALL DAY SUNDAY, my day off-doing my school work so that I can get the hell out of there sooner. Ugh. Rant over.

I'm awesome

I rode 10 miles on my bike today. That is all.

So, I hate my job

That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone-who actually likes their job? Ryan (my husband) likes his job. He should though. His isn't so much a job-it's a career. It's something he's always wanted. Truth be told, I'm a little jealous of him in that department.

I like what I actually do-I'm a phlebotomist. What's that? I take blood from people. It's kind of cool actually. What I hate about my job is that the schedule is bullshit, trying to get time off is bullshit, and the fact that the company I work for doesn't seem to give a shit about their employees. It's all about money-and it's all about the bottom line. And that's just scratching the surface of what's wrong with that place.

What kills me is that I have an out. I'm taking classes online for medical coding and billing. Granted-that's not the "dream job", but it's a job that will at some point allow me to work from home. That means that I'll be around for my kids-and available for my kids. That is my dream job. Problem is that I'm so fucking lazy that I'm way behind on my school work. I have had PLENTY of time to get it done and I just haven't. Just about EVERY day I tell myself that I'm going to work on my assignments and EVERY day, I do not. What the hell is wrong with me?? I need to hurry up and get that shit done-because at some point, when I do get pregnant-that's going to be the beginning of the end of me at my current job. I'll work there throughout my pregnancy, but once I have the baby, I'm not coming back from maternity leave. So I need to finish my schooling as soon as possible so that it's ready and waiting in the wings.

Anyway-sorry this post isn't very witty-it's actually kinda whiney. But I've just had four days off and now I have to go back and I'm pissed. Fuck.

Let's just get it out in the open...

I love food. I will never be a size 2 because I love to eat. I'm Italian-I grew up in a family that loved food. Everything we did revolved around food. This has been an issue for me my entire life. I diet and I exercise, then I binge on shit loads of horrible food. I hate my body. Yep.

....but I just made peanut butter cookies. Amazing peanut butter cookies. Cuz I really wanted something sweet and we didn't have anything in the house except ingredients to make peanut butter cookies. I've already eaten like six of them.

So consider this a warning. This is what I do. I bitch about being chubby, then I eat a crap load of food that is bad for me. It's okay. It's a phase. Give it a few days and I'll be out running everyday and eating salads. That's my pattern.

I'm bitter, nice to meet you

I'm trying a new approach. And with a new approach comes a new blog.

I've abandoned my last blog-which I'm fairly confident that no one read anyway-to start working on this one. I've decided that this blog is going to be a "no nonsense" approach to my life. No more hiding behind sugar coated posts and feeling guilty about honest ones. This blog is all honesty, all the time.

Day after day I stumble upon blogs and google pages showcasing how awesome someones life is. They have the "perfect" husband, and the "perfect" home, and the "perfect" child (or pregnancy)...and they themselves are "perfect". You know what I'm talking about. They only post pictures that are extremely flattering and even the way they type their little stories and talk about their lives implies only perfection. They come across as sweet as pie and you just want to say, "Aww!" and give em' a big hug...and then vomit a little.

I've tried to make a blog like that...and when I failed OVER AND OVER, I started getting a little down on myself. I would think, 'why can't I take super cool pictures of all the super cool things in my life and translate it into a super cool blog?' The answer is simple: my life is not perfect. That's not to say that I don't have a great life that I'm thankful for-BUT, it by no means is perfect. Not even close. My life is real-I'm real. I have flaws. I make mistakes. And for once, I'm not going to make apologies about who I am and how I choose to live my life.

So there you have it. That's what it's all about. You're either with me or your against me. Not really-I'm not that dramatic. I hope that some people will find my honesty refreshing and hopefully, a little bit relate-able. Read this blog if you are sick of the candy coated perfection and want a take on life that's a little more "documentary" a little less "sitcom". Know what I'm sayin?